I'm so frustrated right now. I don't know what to think or how to even feel. I should hate you with all my being right now. You played me for a fool. Not just for a day. Not just for a week. You played me for a fucking idiot for five months. Nearly half a year of my life was wasted on something that didn't even belong to me. It would have hurt less to know that you cheated on me, than finding out that I was the one you were cheating with. I'm the bad-guy in this situation in her eyes. Even if I never meet her, I'll be the reason why she is unhappy. I'll be the one who screwed up her relationship with you. Do you have any idea how that feels? Of course not.

Even though you were the one that had done wrong, I had your back. I made sure that if you weren't going to mine, you were still going to be happy. Who am I to take something you so deeply care about away from you? I wasn't going to. As a good friend said, I wasn't going to "throw [you] under the bus". I lied through my teeth for you so you could be happy. She gave you something that I couldn't. Why should I strip you of that happiness?

I could have fucked your life up more than you have already done for yourself. You deserved it far more than I deserved the bullshit you pulled on me. But no; I lied to her. I made her think it was all me. She was blissfully unaware and you were off the hook. But we both knew the truth. I pondered how long you could both be happy together on a lie. I figured at least five months, that's how long we lasted.

After I spoke with her, I wondered what went through your mind. I know she told you what I had said. There would be no way around it. I wonder how terrible you felt. Or… maybe you didn't care? Maybe that was just proof to you how stupid I really am.

The two weeks you hadn't spoken to me were probably the worst two weeks of my life, thus far. You will NEVER understand how I felt. I would have rather had you disappear without any sort of warning than read the cold words you left; ones that I thought you couldn't even muster up the courage to say. To insinuate that I didn't listen, that I didn't care, that no one would be there for me after this was all said and done, to even elude to the idea that I didn't deserve any sort of answer. I didn't spend a single night not crying or sober. You always wondered why I don't let people get too close to me. People will only tear you down and turn you into a sniveling weak shell of what you should be. People who somehow manage to convince the strong that they can let their guard down; that they can put away that mask cheery eyes and fake smiles, but only end up ripping the strong apart and turn them into fragile, weak creatures. People like you.

When you spoke to me for the first time in two weeks, I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. I was amazed that you came back and I couldn't believe that you were actually there. I was confused. Why the hell did you come back? Why the hell were you giving me the time of day? Why do you ever bother with someone you, so obviously, do not respect? Don't say that you do. If you did respect me, you would have told me from the very beginning. You wouldn't have LIED to me. You wouldn't have thought that you would be able to FOOL me.

We only spoke about two things; her and you. You came to me for help. You came to me for guidance. And again, as proof of my stupidity, I helped you. I told you everything that I possibly could in order to help you. Why? I can't figure it out, myself. I listened to you spill your mind and tell me everything that you needed. I convinced you, again, not to do something you would regret. And to think that you were so willing to give up your own life when I could have easily lost mine just nights before now; how selfish of you.

I think what surprised me the most was the fact that it took you five hours to apologize to me. Even then, I don't feel as if it were true. I feel as though it were just an after-thought, as though everything I had tried to do didn't matter. You were only apologizing because you saw my cheeks stained with the tears that you weren't worthy of. Then again, I can't help but think that I must be an after-thought. She came first, even when it came to just you and me. I must be the one not only second in your thoughts, but in your heart as well. It hurts… one hell of a lot.

I think what hurts the most was that you weren't planning on telling me at all. You weren't going to say a fucking word about her to me. Your parting message left me clueless. Left me wondering where the hell I could have gone wrong; how did I fuck up another chance? But that wasn't it at all, you fucked up. You got caught. And you didn't tell me. She did. I had to discover all of your lies from the one you claimed hadn't been there for years. You TOLD me that you two were over. But that's what I get for believing a liar.

You said to me that it wasn't a lie. Everything you told me was the truth. But how can you honestly expect me to believe you? You must really think I'm an idiot. Do you genuinely think that you can break my trust that badly but gain it back so easily? I've made that mistake more than once. I don't know if I could do that to myself again. I should detest you with my very being for what you have done.

But the sad truth is that I am weak. I cannot muster up the strength to hate you. It's against my nature to hate someone that I've allowed myself to become so close to. Even though I cannot hate you, things will not be the same. I will not allow you to do this to me again. I'd be an idiot to let it happen a third time. You have had your second chance. You screwed it up.

Recite to me your pretty words, the ones that always made my heart ache for you. They still do. But I'm smart enough to not let this happen again. Know that I will always be here for you. I will always be there for you to spill your troubles upon. I will always give you advice and help support you. But we will be nothing more than friends. I don't expect the same from you. I don't want your help. You need yourself more than I do. So please, if you ever read this, take care of yourself.

They say that pain is built to last, why can't love be the same?